Baldemort's Blog

Engagement: The end of a war....

2009-10-02T05:34:00.000-07:00

I understand there was some kind of task force assembled to harass me and Holly into getting married. In a dangerous and cunning heist I was able to obtain "attack plan B", which outlined this dubious strike. If I'm reading the document correctly, it appears the operation included having anywhere from 2-4 field agents ask myself or Holly, no less than three times a week for more than a year when were getting married. The battle grew intense. Casualties piled up. The interrogation techniques became brutal. Resistance was futile. I was unsure if we would survive the onslaught. I knew the enemy had gotten desperate when I received counterintelligence that two small soldiers who were possibly too young to even know Hanna Montana had been recruited for the cause. Eventually we did defeat the nefarious attackers and were able to get engaged on our own time. We have suffered many wounds during this long battle and are unsure if we can wage the next war: When are you going to have kids? I would prefer the enemy use a less torturous tactic for this next battle. Perhaps they can show me mercy by using mustard gas or some type of medieval torture device instead of the dreaded Nag-bomb. Maybe I'll offer a peace treaty in the form of adoption to appease NATO and avoid any future conflicts.

New Closing Date

2008-11-02T23:25:00.000-08:00

I was originally planning on closing on my house and moving in before October 31. There were some complications and setbacks. Now the new closing date is going to be November 15, at the latest. I had to switch lenders at the last second which caused delays. Things seem to be going smoothly at this point.

It's All Down Hill From Here

2008-10-10T06:41:00.000-07:00

Do you normally use this phrase to say something is going to be easy the rest of the way? Or do you use it to imply that things are going badly the rest of the way?

House Hunting

2008-10-01T23:43:00.000-07:00

I have been looking to buy a townhouse for the past month. After a relatively easy search I have found a suitable place. It has 2 bedrooms, 1 1/2 bathrooms, all new carpet, appliances, counters, paint, heating, air conditioning, ect. It's only about 1000 sq feet and not located exactly where I was hoping. But overall it seems like a pretty good investment. We haggled over the price for about a day and are in the process of signing enough documents to wipe out a national forest. We need to get an inspector in there and maybe a few other closing details before sealing the deal sometime in October. Jason will be renting a room when he moves out here in December. He will pay his rent in sausage shavings that he grates fresh directly from his enormous nipples. I'll post some pictures soon. Of the house...... Not Jason's unusually elongated noodle nipples.

Sushi Shame

2008-08-05T22:40:00.001-07:00

A few weeks ago I was eating at a sushi bar with my brother. The place we were eating at was somewhat expensive so we didn't get to stuff ourselves as much as we had hoped. The uppity establishment was crowded and stuffy because they had no A/C. After about three rolls we were waiting to get our check when we noticed the snooty couple next to us had left nearly a whole roll behind. My brother tried persuading me to eat the remaining pieces with much enthusiasm. The decision weighed on me greatly as I searched for a sign. Just then the waiter came to the rescue, "Dude, I'm gonna throw it away. Just take it. Do it. I would. Come on." Surely this was a sign from the sushi gods. No good roll should be left behind. As I furiously shoveled these strangers sushi into my mouth directly from their plate I began to sweat profusely and shake uncontrollably. I felt the surrounding patrons looking at me as if I were a wild animal. Like I was a lion who found a freshly deserted zebra and had to devour his findings before other lions also discovered the fresh kill. I was feeling pretty happy about the free sushi roll I had just enjoyed when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I heard the voice of a women whisper in my ear, "I'm glad that mars roll didn't go to waste." The snooty couple had not left but just made a bathroom visit before taking off. I sat there sweating and pondering the events that had just transpired. I thought, "I should be embarrassed. But really I am just so happy I got free food."

Trip to Oregon

2008-05-30T11:53:00.000-07:00

Why No Good Movies?

2008-03-19T00:13:00.000-07:00

Has anyone else realized good movies are so few and far between these days? When was the last time you've seen a really good movie? The last movie I was impressed by was Juno. Stardust is another good one I've seen recently. Why are no good movies coming out any more and what was the last good movie you've seen?

Pet Peeve of the Week: Don't Tip Your Cap to Me Home Slice

2008-01-27T13:59:00.000-08:00

I was at the gym the other day and realized a disturbing trend. This guy was working out with his baseball cap turned sideways. Not all the way to the side (haven't seen that move pulled since the days of Vanilla Ice), this is the slightly cocked sideways tilt. I realize this move has been utilized for some time now, but it still grates my cheese. First of all, wearing a hat at the gym is weird anyway. Second of all, this guy had to look in the mirror and think to himself, "How can I be dangerous and sexy at the same time while pumping some serious iron?" So he puts on his little hat....and thinks, "Something is still missing. I'm not truly thugged out enough yet." Then a moment of true gangster genius strikes. "I've got it! If I but tilt my hat to the side ever so slightly everyone will think that I'm totally hard core." What a loser. Why is a tilted hat cool anyway? I'm really K-Fed up with this whole gangster trend. Is it more comfortable this way? I've done some field research and the answer is no way homay. Bottom line Tupac, if you have to take more than 3 seconds to put on a hat and adjust it to perfection so it looks "good," chances are- you a girl son. So my homedogs of the tilted hat trend, go with the hat straight forward and avoid looking like you're auditioning for the Wu-Tang Clan. Oh and let me hit you wit some more knowledge bro. Chances are if you wear your hat this way, you might need to check out my post on sunglasses. T-Dog out.

Chronicles of the Online Hunt: Setting the Trap and Experimenting

2008-01-23T12:20:00.000-08:00

After days of witty dialogue with a frequent visitor to the watering hole I was successful in capturing one of these elusive cyber creatures. I was able to study this animal up close last weekend. We will call this specimen, subject A1. I was able to observe subject A1's eating habits as well as other qualities specifically unique to this species. A1 has recently migrated from the region of California. She is a new member to the Mormon heard. A1 is responsive to sushi and movies. Subject A1 is also responsive to verbal stimuli. I had another encounter with subject A1 last night. She seems to be partial to comedic situational television shows, such as The Office. Subject A1 is a fun specimen but I think I will have to let her back into the wild. However, I would like to track this specimen and maintain a good relationship.

Chronicles of the Online Hunt: Laying the Bait

2008-01-17T11:41:00.000-08:00

I have recently decided to go hunting on LDS Singles, an Internet dating website. I've been in this digital wilderness now for about 2 weeks and I will report my findings thus far:
For the first few days I mostly observed the grazing habits of the females in this strange land. I had little success getting too close to the majority of the herd. The slightest noise or movement seemed to scare them off. Note: I did have immediate success with the larger game but I prefer the more gamy meat. I evaluated the situation and decided my bait (profile picture and introduction) was not sufficient for this type of creature. So I beefed it up so to speak. Added a picture that was overly complementing of my looks and put some pictures in my photo album. Then I made my intro a little more wordy and added an interests list. This tactic seemed to attract the more desirable females in this land. The prey was now coming to eat small amounts of food I had laid down around me. However, they would not yet eat out of my hand . What could be wrong? Note: Larger game still seems to be a problem, could be scaring off smaller game or using up all the bait. Even when I ignore large game they still seem to infiltrate my camp. Must try harsher tactics. I am getting ready to spring a few of the traps that I've set. I'll report my findings when and if I capture any of these creatures. It would be wonderful to be able to study these animals up close and in a controlled environment.

Pet Peeve of the Week: The Excessive Use of Sunglasses

2008-01-15T01:18:00.001-08:00

I was recently thinking of things that bother me most. Guys trying to be tough while driving a VW Bug (especially the new ones), year round sandal wearers, guys wearing tucked in shirts with no belt, guys who wear pink shirts (sorry Chris), ect. All take a back seat to a far worse crime; the excessive sunglasses wearer. They wear them indoors, at night, at weddings, in church, for job interviews, whenever they get the chance to show off how totally cool and hip they are. Why does this bother me? I'm not sure, but it really does. I see people come into church with sunglasses on the top of the head or if they're extra cool they have them on the back of their head. And then for those who are out of this world awesome, on the back of their head AND upside down. So what, you think you're Tom Cruise? That don't impress me much. Or anyone for that matter. You just look completely stupid. Maybe it's the strutting and swagger like they're cock of the walk that bothers me so much. These idiots turn into peacocks when they have on their sunglasses. Do these people think they are movie stars? Like they're walking the red carpet where ever they go. I wonder if these delusional losers think they have paparazzo following them around and they are just trying to look totally awesome in case they turn up on Access Hollywood. "Going into Albertsons, better put on the ol' shades in case I need to sign some autographs." Yeah, people are looking. But it's not because everyone is impressed with your stylish fashion accessory, it's because you look like a moron. So unless you have a glass eye, are albino, Stevie Wonder, Jack Nicholson attending the Oscars, or are a vampire, keep your shaded specs in the car when entering buildings.

Victory!

2007-12-28T12:54:00.000-08:00

I have finally recieved my 50$ check from my old apartment complex. What should I do with the check? Can I really cash it? It represents a feirce battle won. The blood, sweat, and tears of a generation. I'm not sure how to best honor the sacrifice of the many brave soldiers who fought for this victory. It's like a new business that lamenates and hangs up their first bills earned. This should be a lesson to all those who doubted.

Victory So Close I Can Taste It!

2007-12-10T14:21:00.000-08:00

My $50 check was supposed to be mailed out the last day of November. I called today to see if it was sent. I was referred to the bookkeeper at another location. The bookkeeper seems confused by my call. I explain the situation briefly and also tell him I've already spoken to him and he knows the situation. He calls me back and says he didn't send the check, needless to say I wasn't surprised. However, he did say he he signed the check today and put it in the owners box for him to sign and mail. Once again, it should be sent out this week. I'm not sure if these clowns will send the check this week, but I am confident my 7 months of pestering has gotten the job done.

We Have Tissue Issues

2007-11-28T23:53:00.000-08:00

I moved into a new apartment at the beginning of November. This move marked the first time I would have roommates other than a sibling. It's a 3 bedroom apartment with two other guys. Since I've been here I have probably seen my roommates a total of 10 times. They're both nice guys, keep to themselves, and seem to be very easy going. My one roommate pseudonym Jed, has the master bedroom and his own bathroom. He is almost never home. I share a bathroom with the other guy, pseudonym Cletis. Cletis never takes the lone covered parking spot we all share, he always takes out the garbage, loads and unloads the dishwasher all the time, always cleans the bathroom, and has even moved his towel off the only towel rack in the bathroom. I'm quite sure I could smear feces all over his bedroom and he wouldn't even question me. Just quietly clean it up. So the one thing he won't budge on is the way the toilet paper is loaded. I prefer the flap to hang from behind. He likes it hanging over in the front. We've never spoken of our differences, but there is an unspoken battle in the bathroom. Because I hate the front hang so much I always change it, sometimes even when I'm visiting another person's facilities. I just like it better this way. My second day in my new apartment I had noticed the toilet paper roll had already been switched back to the front over hang. I decided not to make waves and left it. But next time I had to change the roll I put the toilet paper the way I like it. I feel like since I changed it I could call dibs on the placement of the said roll. No sir, this dastardly Cletus changed it to suit his preference. Every time I change the toilet paper I put it the way I like it and at random times reverse his handy work. But sure enough I always find it in the front hang position. We still have not had a conversation concerning this matter. But I sense this hidden wedge will one day destroy our apartment harmony. The only way to remedy this situation is to install another toilet paper dispenser on the wall. I refuse to be a front hang toilet paper user, it is so uncouth.

Adventures in Blind Dating: The Group Date

2007-11-26T12:22:00.000-08:00

My friend called me one day and asked if I would be willing to go on a blind date with her sister in law and a couple of her friends. Of course, three dates in one night! Oh, she wanted me to round up two other guys. I said yes because quite honestly I hate trying to find girls to ask out. However, I was unable to find any guys to bring along. So I called my friend back and she gave me the number of a missionary who served where she used to live. Ironically he was my brother's old companion. I began to make arrangements with the in law and the my brother's old companion. Trying to arrange six peoples schedules turned out to be an arduous task. During our conversations I learned two things, the in law was 6 foot 2 and my brother's companion seemed fruitier than a strawberry field. I told the fruity guy to bring a giant friend so I wouldn't have to be paired off with Bigfoot. Finally the day of our group blind date came. I must admit I was nervous that we wouldn't be able to casually figure out who would be paired off with who. Luckily though, nature took its course. The two giants clung to each other, the shortest girl gravitated towards me, and as luck would have it the giant's other friend was a guy, so our fruity friend seemed happy. Well, I guess technically she was a girl. When I saw my date I was disappointed and knew the night would only be going down hill. At that moment I thought I had made a mistake and wondered if I could trade in an ogre for a giant. The girls were all 19 and the other two guys were about 21. But they all acted like they were about 12. We went to dinner and then played games at my house. These people were all very loud and annoying. I could tell they were amusing themselves tremendously, but I was not having any of it. This could very well have been the worst blind date ever, not to mention the biggest waste $25.64 I had ever spent. I think if someone sets you up on a terrible blind date they should be responsible for recouping your cost. Money spent- $25.64. Time wasted-4 hours. Gas used- 1 gallon. Pain and suffering- Priceless.

Victory is Nigh at Hand

2007-11-19T11:42:00.000-08:00

In an earlier post I wrote about my battle for 50$. After being told I would be refunded the money I called back to check if it had been mailed. I was told it was being sent at the end of the week. I called back the next week because I still had not received the elusive 50$ check. They said it was in the mail. A few days later I called the University Village manger again because I still did not get the check. This time she refused to speak with me and referred me to The Crest Wood property manager. I explained my plight and was told I would get a call back on the matter. The news was broken to me in a most cowardly manner, over voicemail. I would not be getting the money after all. Unfortunately, I heard this message right before they closed on Friday. I was left to fester in anger the whole weekend. Monday morning I called Crest Wood back and a heated discussion ensued. The basic gist went something like this:
Tom: Yo fools, give me my cheddar before I cap the whole lot of you, cradle rock style...just kidding.
Tom: You guys said you charge 30$ an hour for cleaning. Well, I spent 3 hours cleaning when I moved in, so you can keep the 50$ you stole from me when I moved out and pay me 90$ for my services rendered to you. I've had several verbal agreements with various mangers that the money was being sent. You have to honor that.
CW: Sorry, there is no documentation. We didn't realize our last manager was literally a chimp in a space suit.
Tom: I just saw the paper stating we didn't have to clean certain things when we left per agreement with Candice (manager when I moved in). I was at University Village a few weeks ago, spoke with the manager and saw the document.
CW: We don't have the document now, bubbles quit and and the files are all messed up. And sorry to we can't give you the 50$.
Tom: Well, I might not be 50$ richer, but I promise that you guys will be at least 50$ poorer.
Cw: Good luck with that (then she hung up)

I contacted University Village one more time, she called Crest Wood and all of the sudden these documents came to light. She said the money will be sent at the end of the month. I told her I've heard that song before. She assured me that it will be sent. So, the battle of the 50$ rages on, but hopefully it will be put to rest shortly.

Precious Hair Goes to Waste

2007-10-16T09:15:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I realized my nose hairs were getting a little long. I was at Chris and Nancy's house and asked her if I could borrow some scissors to get the job done. She graciously allowed me to defile her scissors. As I was trimming the hairs over her bathroom sink I thought about "Dumb and Dumber." You know, the scene where there is a pile of hair on the ground and they show Harry and Lloyd getting their nose hairs trimmed? That visual had me laughing pretty hard and I soon wondered where I could find enough hair to leave on their sink. I quickly began cutting small chunks of hair from my head, a dangerous move considering my current condition. I later called Chris and asked him how the prank went. He said she didn't even notice. He also said I had put way too much hair on the sink for the joke to be believable (I can't imagine how she didn't see). This was later confirmed when my friend asked me why I had a few small bald spots on the back of my head.

Fowl Play!

2007-10-11T14:12:00.000-07:00

Last year we had a hot dog eating contest at work. I demolished the competition and ate 13 or 14 hot dogs in about two min. Other people ate about 4 or 5. One guy did manage to down about 11 wieners. I won a 20$ gift certificate and a huge trophy (nicer than any sports trophy I've ever received). So this year when my job sponsored another eating contest, I started salivating thinking about that 20$. But much to my disappointment we would be eating buffalo wings this time. Not really my favorite and I knew there would be no fair way to judge the results. Eventually I was lured back to competition with taunts that I needed to defend my "Title." An infantile tactic indeed, but they know me too well. I soon prepared mentally to participate in a contest I wasn't sure I could win. I thought about backing out many times, but I knew my fans were counting on me. I spoke to the judge at length about a fair way to determine the winner. She eased my concerns and I was gaining the confidence I needed to be victorious. The whistle blew for the competition to begin. After eating over 20 wings in the allotted 2 minute time frame I was sure victory was within my grasps. But suddenly the judge called for a one minute bonus round. I was out of wings and unsure if this was some cruel joke. It was no joke, I was only able to get my hands on a few more wings before this "bonus" round was over. I ended up losing to a hefty woman, 27-32 (Funnily enough those numbers looked to be roughly her arm size). I began scolding the judge but she thought I was being a sore loser and reminded me it was just for fun. And I reminded her I don't eat 27 buffalo wings for fun, I do it for glory. And she robbed me of my glory and title. I'll never forgive this treachery.
P.S. Sorry to any animal lovers for this seemingly senseless animal killing and torture for entertainment.

Show Me the Money!

2007-10-09T10:40:00.000-07:00

It all started about six months ago when I moved out of my apartment in Orem. I had been living there with my sister for several months and we decided not to renew our lease for several reasons. Management informed us that every hour they spent cleaning is money deducted from our deposit. We spent the week cleaning so we could keep all of our deposit, well I spent the week cleaning. My sister spent the last night cleaning up her room and generously left me the rest of the apartment. When I finally received my deposit weeks later I realized they had short changed us by 50$. Knowing that I cleaned virtually every corner of our place I couldn't imagine what they spent several hours cleaning. When I inquired they simply said they don't document what they clean. I explained calmly that I couldn't accept that I would lose 50$ without a list of what they cleaned. I went on to accuse them of trying to steal my money. Each new manager promised to send me a reimbursement check. Every time I called back there was a new manager to do battle with. Last night I found myself in the area and decided to have a face to face debate. To my surprise I was able to convince this new manager with little effort. The check will be in the mail this Friday, so they say. Do you think I'll find myself calling in two weeks and talking to another new manager? Will I ever get this stupid money? Is it even worth it?

Pet Peeve of the Week: One Way Please

2007-10-07T13:20:00.000-07:00

I always enjoy reading my brother's Wife Advice posts, but I often don't get to implement his advice because I am not married. But I realized one day a few weeks ago, his advice is helpful for humiliating all sorts of offenders, not just wives. I was walking into Walmart with the Donkey and had trouble going through the entrance because the usual bunch of inbred-Walmart shoppers were trying to exit through the entrance. This might be one of the most annoying occurances throughout my day. It happens to me at many different locations, several times a day--people going in and out the wrong way of a building. It truly is a mystery why I should be subjected to such foolishness. Generally in America, we walk through the ride side or on the right side. If the left side is marked 'entrance' no big deal, note the exception and walk through on the left side. So I took advice from my brother and decided to act like I had no room to walk through. I shook the cart violently and pretended to stumble while smashing the cart into various objects. I looked around with a confused look on my face and then looked up toward the entrance sign and let out a head shake. The inbreds were also confused; I'm not sure if it was caused by a missing chromosome or my antics, but I think they got the point. Then after this entrance fiasco, I was confronted by a row of about 8 people walking down the isle in a line (left to right, not single file). I wasn't sure if they were playing red-rover or just confused about simple etiquette. Either way, I decided to participate in their game of chicken and continued in my path on the right side of the isle. When the red-rover team realized I wasn't moving they began to scatter muttering rude comments. I was so confused, why were these people mad at me? These wrong side of the isle walkers need tough love. We can't move out of the way of their stupidity. The only way people that have straw for brains will ever learn their lesson is to have their noses rubbed in their mistake, like a dog who keeps messing on the carpet. So, implement one of theses tactics or devise one of your own when presented with this problem. Does anyone else experience this kind of idiotic phenomenon?

No Rockie Horror Picture Show Last Night

2007-10-02T12:21:00.000-07:00

Wow! I went to bed last night with the Padres beating the Rockies in the top of the 13th, 8-6. I was shocked to wake up this morning to find out the Rockies scored 3 in the bottom of the inning off none other than Trevor Hoffman. I might have to change my predictions. The Rockies beat the Phillies in 5, Dbacks win in 4 over the Cubs. Rockies beat the Dbacks in 6....but all these heroics are for not. Because even though the Rockies are the team to beat right now and they handed the Yankees a cold plate of humiliation during the regular season, the Yanks are going to take them down int he World Series in 6.
Had Peavy won that game yesterday he would be the shoe in for Cy Young, well actually I still think he'll get it. Jimmy Rollins wins a close race for MVP over Prince Fielder. And I don't know enough about the rookie of the year for the NL, do you guys?
I was looking through sports headlines and saw something about the Rockies and 'Rockie Horror Picture Show.' Sports writers think they're so clever, I do enjoy it though.

The Playoffs!

2007-10-01T10:27:00.000-07:00

After several months of regular season baseball play, it is finally time for the playoffs. This is especially gratifying for two reasons. First of all the Yankees games only get played on TV out in Utah a few times a month during the regular season. But the post season shows every game on TV. Secondly, it was only a few months ago that the Yankees seemed destined to miss the playoffs completely. As of now we have the schedule for the American League, but with one more game to be played in the National League we do not have a complete match up. The Yankees will start playing their series with the Indians on October 4th. And the Red Sox will start playing the Angels on the 3rd. I will be making predictions and hope to hear what everyone else thinks will happen. I believe the Yankees will defeat the Indians in 4 games and the Red Sox will win in 5. The Yankees will then go on to humiliate the Redsox in typical fashion, 5 games. I hope for the sweep, but the Sox aren't half bad this year. I will also make predictions for the American League awards: A-rod wins the MVP, Josh Beckett the Cy Young, and that idiot Pedroia rookie of the year.