Precious Hair Goes to Waste

A few days ago I realized my nose hairs were getting a little long. I was at Chris and Nancy's house and asked her if I could borrow some scissors to get the job done. She graciously allowed me to defile her scissors. As I was trimming the hairs over her bathroom sink I thought about "Dumb and Dumber." You know, the scene where there is a pile of hair on the ground and they show Harry and Lloyd getting their nose hairs trimmed? That visual had me laughing pretty hard and I soon wondered where I could find enough hair to leave on their sink. I quickly began cutting small chunks of hair from my head, a dangerous move considering my current condition. I later called Chris and asked him how the prank went. He said she didn't even notice. He also said I had put way too much hair on the sink for the joke to be believable (I can't imagine how she didn't see). This was later confirmed when my friend asked me why I had a few small bald spots on the back of my head.

Fowl Play!

Last year we had a hot dog eating contest at work. I demolished the competition and ate 13 or 14 hot dogs in about two min. Other people ate about 4 or 5. One guy did manage to down about 11 wieners. I won a 20$ gift certificate and a huge trophy (nicer than any sports trophy I've ever received). So this year when my job sponsored another eating contest, I started salivating thinking about that 20$. But much to my disappointment we would be eating buffalo wings this time. Not really my favorite and I knew there would be no fair way to judge the results. Eventually I was lured back to competition with taunts that I needed to defend my "Title." An infantile tactic indeed, but they know me too well. I soon prepared mentally to participate in a contest I wasn't sure I could win. I thought about backing out many times, but I knew my fans were counting on me. I spoke to the judge at length about a fair way to determine the winner. She eased my concerns and I was gaining the confidence I needed to be victorious. The whistle blew for the competition to begin. After eating over 20 wings in the allotted 2 minute time frame I was sure victory was within my grasps. But suddenly the judge called for a one minute bonus round. I was out of wings and unsure if this was some cruel joke. It was no joke, I was only able to get my hands on a few more wings before this "bonus" round was over. I ended up losing to a hefty woman, 27-32 (Funnily enough those numbers looked to be roughly her arm size). I began scolding the judge but she thought I was being a sore loser and reminded me it was just for fun. And I reminded her I don't eat 27 buffalo wings for fun, I do it for glory. And she robbed me of my glory and title. I'll never forgive this treachery.
P.S. Sorry to any animal lovers for this seemingly senseless animal killing and torture for entertainment.

Show Me the Money!

It all started about six months ago when I moved out of my apartment in Orem. I had been living there with my sister for several months and we decided not to renew our lease for several reasons. Management informed us that every hour they spent cleaning is money deducted from our deposit. We spent the week cleaning so we could keep all of our deposit, well I spent the week cleaning. My sister spent the last night cleaning up her room and generously left me the rest of the apartment. When I finally received my deposit weeks later I realized they had short changed us by 50$. Knowing that I cleaned virtually every corner of our place I couldn't imagine what they spent several hours cleaning. When I inquired they simply said they don't document what they clean. I explained calmly that I couldn't accept that I would lose 50$ without a list of what they cleaned. I went on to accuse them of trying to steal my money. Each new manager promised to send me a reimbursement check. Every time I called back there was a new manager to do battle with. Last night I found myself in the area and decided to have a face to face debate. To my surprise I was able to convince this new manager with little effort. The check will be in the mail this Friday, so they say. Do you think I'll find myself calling in two weeks and talking to another new manager? Will I ever get this stupid money? Is it even worth it?

Pet Peeve of the Week: One Way Please

I always enjoy reading my brother's Wife Advice posts, but I often don't get to implement his advice because I am not married. But I realized one day a few weeks ago, his advice is helpful for humiliating all sorts of offenders, not just wives. I was walking into Walmart with the Donkey and had trouble going through the entrance because the usual bunch of inbred-Walmart shoppers were trying to exit through the entrance. This might be one of the most annoying occurances throughout my day. It happens to me at many different locations, several times a day--people going in and out the wrong way of a building. It truly is a mystery why I should be subjected to such foolishness. Generally in America, we walk through the ride side or on the right side. If the left side is marked 'entrance' no big deal, note the exception and walk through on the left side. So I took advice from my brother and decided to act like I had no room to walk through. I shook the cart violently and pretended to stumble while smashing the cart into various objects. I looked around with a confused look on my face and then looked up toward the entrance sign and let out a head shake. The inbreds were also confused; I'm not sure if it was caused by a missing chromosome or my antics, but I think they got the point. Then after this entrance fiasco, I was confronted by a row of about 8 people walking down the isle in a line (left to right, not single file). I wasn't sure if they were playing red-rover or just confused about simple etiquette. Either way, I decided to participate in their game of chicken and continued in my path on the right side of the isle. When the red-rover team realized I wasn't moving they began to scatter muttering rude comments. I was so confused, why were these people mad at me? These wrong side of the isle walkers need tough love. We can't move out of the way of their stupidity. The only way people that have straw for brains will ever learn their lesson is to have their noses rubbed in their mistake, like a dog who keeps messing on the carpet. So, implement one of theses tactics or devise one of your own when presented with this problem. Does anyone else experience this kind of idiotic phenomenon?

No Rockie Horror Picture Show Last Night

Wow! I went to bed last night with the Padres beating the Rockies in the top of the 13th, 8-6. I was shocked to wake up this morning to find out the Rockies scored 3 in the bottom of the inning off none other than Trevor Hoffman. I might have to change my predictions. The Rockies beat the Phillies in 5, Dbacks win in 4 over the Cubs. Rockies beat the Dbacks in 6....but all these heroics are for not. Because even though the Rockies are the team to beat right now and they handed the Yankees a cold plate of humiliation during the regular season, the Yanks are going to take them down int he World Series in 6.
Had Peavy won that game yesterday he would be the shoe in for Cy Young, well actually I still think he'll get it. Jimmy Rollins wins a close race for MVP over Prince Fielder. And I don't know enough about the rookie of the year for the NL, do you guys?
I was looking through sports headlines and saw something about the Rockies and 'Rockie Horror Picture Show.' Sports writers think they're so clever, I do enjoy it though.

The Playoffs!

After several months of regular season baseball play, it is finally time for the playoffs. This is especially gratifying for two reasons. First of all the Yankees games only get played on TV out in Utah a few times a month during the regular season. But the post season shows every game on TV. Secondly, it was only a few months ago that the Yankees seemed destined to miss the playoffs completely. As of now we have the schedule for the American League, but with one more game to be played in the National League we do not have a complete match up. The Yankees will start playing their series with the Indians on October 4th. And the Red Sox will start playing the Angels on the 3rd. I will be making predictions and hope to hear what everyone else thinks will happen. I believe the Yankees will defeat the Indians in 4 games and the Red Sox will win in 5. The Yankees will then go on to humiliate the Redsox in typical fashion, 5 games. I hope for the sweep, but the Sox aren't half bad this year. I will also make predictions for the American League awards: A-rod wins the MVP, Josh Beckett the Cy Young, and that idiot Pedroia rookie of the year.